Our Kids, Our Mirrors!

Years back, during my university days, I learned about the psychological concept of projection.  In layman’s terms, it means attributing your own undesirable traits, emotions or behaviours onto other people.  It’s quite fascinating (you can read more here). Even though it’s well-understood, there’s not much around relating to how to reverse its impact. It’s challenging to detect (I include for myself), until I recently encountered a situation that made me rethink.

“I Learned It From You”

It was my two children who drew my attention to it all. As parents, we are effectively their peer group during their formative years. It’s commonly known that children consciously learn from us adults, for example, things we actively teach them such as playing tennis, or the things we passively teach them, like becoming book lovers, because we read with them.

However, they also learn unconsciously. I’m referring to traits and behaviours forming their characters, through how we adults treat our environment, behave in certain situations, and deal with ourselves. As kids grow older, they design their own life-lessons, applying what they’ve learned both consciously and unconsciously.

Not long ago,  I sat with my teenagers discussing a recent situation. While talking to them, I noticed them display a specific behaviour that I didn’t recognise as something I’d taught them - and even less so as a behaviour I would use myself! I felt it was my duty to call it out, sharing my point of view and stating that I wouldn’t have reacted the same way.

As often from teenagers, I got a terse response, “Who do you think I got that from? I learned it from you!”

Breaking My Self-Mirror

At first, I was shocked as surely, they were clearly mistaken. There then followed an argument. After some time, I asked myself if they could have been right. Have I reacted the same way in the past and if so, why on earth didn’t I notice?

I realised this was an aha moment. A moment where I saw how I projected my own negative behaviour onto my kids. Even worse, I unconsciously taught them as such!  This reminded me of a saying I once heard, “You can teach your kids whatever you want, in the end, they still mirror you.”

There followed a sleepless night. I went on to identify similar situations in the past and quickly noticed a pattern. I think I also identified the root cause of the behaviour, that definitely influenced many of my traits – and obviously was influencing my own kids’ traits too,  although in the end, I also realised it didn’t really matter – what mattered was making the decision to change my behaviour!

The big aha was that I’d been calling out my own children’s behaviour that I unconsciously put upon them.  I also realised that every time someone irritated me, I reacted with a knee-jerk reaction (on a subconscious level), like so many of us do.

Time to Take Different Perspectives

Moving on, I tried to be more conscious about my reactions. This revealed completely new perspectives on life. Suddenly, I didn’t rule people, conflicts, or other situations out right away, but started to actively question them. Not only has doing this helped me to understand why a person reacted the way they did, and improve myself, but this new behaviour has helped to open up the minds of others, who subsequently also reacted differently.

The result is a clearer perception of reality, reduced conflict and the promotion of inclusivity and understanding. I’ve realised greater open-mindedness has improved my relationships, on a personal level as well as professionally, and brought so much more fun, engagement and wisdom into my life.

Most importantly to me, I’ve noticed that this behaviour is spreading! Every interaction I now have where I put myself into the shoes of others, helps them to take a different perspective too, broadening our mindsets while creating healthier interpersonal dynamics.

A Real Eye-Opener!

It’s been an eye-opener for myself and those I’ve interacted with so far. I can therefore only encourage you to acknowledge and embrace different perspectives yourself. It’s not easy, it never will be either. But in a world that feels more narrow day after day, I truly believe it will improve your life as it has mine, enabling us all to build a more progressive future.

PS: Let me know if you’ve been on a similar path or if you’ve found this useful to now share your own story of taking a different perspective, either below via the comments, above via the chat, or simply send me an email.